Thursday, October 30, 2014

Peaks & Valleys- We are in a Valley Right Now

   Autism can mean many things. In many ways, it has opened my eyes and my mind to a world I never knew existed. It has increased my understanding of others, of families with challenges, and of all people in general. It has allowed me to have a greater appreciation for the blessings in my life.Most importantly, it has shown me what is truly important in my life.

   Autism has also taught me about pain,heartache,doubt and what it is like to be overwhelmed by something that is completely out of my control.It has its peaks and valleys.  We have been fortunate throughout the last 14 years to have many more peaks than valleys,however,things have changed over the past two months.  We are in a valley ,and it is not a pretty one.

   As summer ended,Mikey began to appear agitated often. Not the occasional frustration we were used to seeing.  His beautiful songs that he used to hum so sweetly in our yard changed to screams and growls. Primal,gutteral growls. Deep,angry growls.  A few times, he lashed out at me or my husband in fits of uncontrollable anger. We have had holes kicked in our walls,a cabinet door kicked off in our kitchen, and a bedroom door kicked in.  Frightening and heart wrenching to say the least.

   We noticed other changes as well. His appetite increased tremendously. He ate like a ravenous person. Yes, teens eat a lot,especially boys, but this was different.  His occasional,deep growls and yells became more frequent,and louder by the day.  He was now yelling consistently throughout the course of the day,and starting to wake throughout the night yelling as well The growling/yells have become a non-stop habit.

   Unable to determine what was wrong, we went to a neurologist. He had a fit while we were there. She suggested a medicine to use acutely,if he ever had a serious episode,or if we needed to get bloodwork or any other type of exam for him.  However, as far as the daily routine, we weren't ready to hop on the medicine train just yet.  She went on in an attempt to examine him,and he was not cooperative at all.  I did notice that he had been playing with his ear,and she thought it looked a bit red. She prescribed drops and an antibiotic. We went home and started the ear meds.

   Crazy thing about this is that Mikey usually lets us know in his own way if something is bothering him. He will say "boo-boo" or take my hand and place it on whatever body part is bothering him.  He has not done that.  I kept wondering if maybe he had swimmer's ear since late summer, and that was the cause? We finished the medicine and he is still yelling. My gut tells me there is something more we are missing.

   Typically, Mikey is a cooperative,easy-going boy and we do not have any trouble taking him to the doctor or dentist.  Now, or at least for the neurologist visit, he was angry and extremely uncooperative.  He is now very big, and very,very strong. More challenges. It isn't easy to make him do something he does not want to do.

    We are now going to take him in to our pediatrician's office to have blood work done, and to get a thorough examination to rule out anything else that may be going on in his body.  Once  that is complete, hopefully we will have a better sense of what is happening with him.  Could it all possibly be autism/puberty?Perhaps. Yet, I have to carefully check everything possible before we make any decisions about how to help him and modify these behaviors.

   The odd thing about all of this is that throughout the day,most of his screaming is followed by laughter.  Unless he is frustrated, he is screaming and happy...I know it doesn't seem to make sense, but it is true.  It seems to have become a self-stimulatory, or habitual behavior. Does he enjoy the sound ,the feeling, the attention? I wish I knew.

   Our family is running on no sleep, listening to non-stop yelling/growling all day and on some occasions, throughout the night. His yells can be heard throughout our block,and I must thank my incredible neighbors for being patient and understanding. Not one has complained,and believe me, I realize how disturbing the screams are.  I will owe each of them a big basket of cookies once we get through this.

   My own children are running out of patience. They can never study or do homework in peace,they are not well-rested, and they just want him to stop.  The boys fighting over this situation has become ridiculous.  We are really unable to take him anywhere because of these behaviors. Our world has been turned upside down. I have a constant stomach ache and my husband's normally happy face is wrought with worry and sadness.  We are basically at our wit's end and trying to deal with this as calmly,rationally, and thoroughly as possible.  We are currently looking into a variety of therapies and a new school program for him. At this point, autism has consumed us.

   That is where we are,in a nutshell, praying each day that we can help him and change things for the better. We are physically healthy, and I am ever so grateful for that, but we are not in a good place. Life has become a daily ritual of trying to maintain peace in our home, and keeping Mikey as busy as possible in an effort to thwart the screaming and aggressive outbursts. I will keep you posted,please keep us in your prayers.



Monday, May 5, 2014

Making Beds

Imagine are a carpenter, and you are building a wall. You hammer in some nails, and move on to your next task. Within a few minutes, you turn to see that someone has pulled out all of the nails you just put in. You hammer them in once more, and move on. Within a few minutes you turn to see that it has happened again. You continue to repeat the process,over and over  until you finally give in to the frustration or quit altogether.

This is what happens in our home, only it is beds I am making, and Mikey is the culprit who quickly moves in to undo what has been done. He has a penchant for unmaking beds...not just his bed, but pretty much every bed in our house. It is hard to get mad at him, because he is not doing it to be rebellious. The boy loves to snuggle. The more pillows, blankets and stuffed animals he can gather around himself, the better he likes it. He keeps things close because I believe it satisfies some sensory need. He feels safe and secure when he is wrapped up tightly, similar to how I would imagine  a baby must feel when swaddled. How does one get angry about that?

When people ask me what my idea of a dream house would be, I don't respond by saying I'd want a huge house, enormous property, or one by the water. My response is quite different. My idea of a dream house is one in which all the beds are made in the morning and stay that way until bedtime. A house that is neat and tidy, and where everything has a place. A house where you can usually find whatever it is you are looking for. I would imagine that such a house exists, but it is not mine. As a mother of four boys, I long ago accepted the fact that things will get messy. It is true that I spend the better part of most days picking up toys, sweeping up crumbs, and making beds 50 times a day. While it may not be the dream house I  imagined, it is certainly a dream home. One that is filled with cuddles, smiles, sticky hands ,chocolate covered faces,sports equipment,  a few toys strewn across the floor, and of course, unmade beds throughout the day.

I cannot lie...when I finish cleaning my house each day ,and I sit back to look around, I feel a sense of calm and a sense of accomplishment, but alas,it is short lived. I know that within a short period of time, the things I have done will slowly be undone. While this should make me upset, it doesn't. It may frustrate me at times, but I know know that without Mikey messing up beds, and his brothers contributing with their own messes, I would only live in a house, not a home. A house is merely a shell....but a home is truly where your heart is.

I equate it to being a gardener. You prepare your soil, plant your flowers, water and feed them. You may have to pull some weeds along the way, but when you eventually sit back and admire how beautiful your flowers are, you realize it was worth all the work. Pulling some weeds everyday in order to see your flowers flourish ,grow, and bask in the sunshine is worth it. I'll gladly pull the weeds, and make many beds along the way too.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The First Fib

Never tell a honest. Those are words we hear over and over again as children. Our parents remind us as young children how important honesty is, and how lying is never the right way to solve any problem. Our parents,of course were right, and as we grow and become parents ourselves, we find ourselves repeating the same to our own kids.

I have had to remind my children of this many times over the course of their lives, except for Mikey. I never felt the need to talk to him about lying because he is essentially non-verbal, therefore not capable of telling a lie. He is so sweet and innocent, that he could not possibly be capable of lying, right? WRONG!!

Today, a wonderful thing happened in my kitchen. Now, as parents of typical children, as you read this,you may think I am crazy.Well, at times I am, but that is not the point. Stick with me on this one.

Mikey has a terrible habit of spitting out what he is drinking. If he is in a silly mood, he will take a mouthful of water or juice, start laughing ,then spit it out all over the place. We have tried repeatedly to squash this fun little game of his to no avail. Often times, I can tell by his face if he is going to do this, and I will not give him the drink until he has calmed down a bit. Make no mistake, I do not hold back drinks from him on the regular, he is very well hydrated, however, if I see that mischievous look, I will wait, and he knows this.

Today, after his speech teacher left, he had a glass of juice...which he drank without incident. He came back a few minutes later for more. As I started to pour it, I noticed "that face." He started laughing,uncontrollably. Now, you have to understand, this boy is cute..I mean super-cute. Naturally, when I hear his infectious laugh, and see his sweet, tanned face all smiles, I start to laugh too. Not the best idea when you are trying to teach a child a lesson, but I could not help it. I stopped laughing long enough to say, "you want to spit this juice out,don't you?" He continued to laugh. I then said, " are you going to spit this out or are you going to drink it?" Then it happened. Through his laughter he verbally responded by saying, "dink uh ,dink uh." This meant "drink it,drink it, and it was a big,fat fib! I started playfully chasing him through the kitchen saying,
" you just told me a fib, you aren't going to drink it, you are going to spit it out...are you fibbing to me?" He continued to run away laughing loudly...he knew he had lied to get his way and he loved every minute of it.

Now, before you judge me and my lack of discipline here, understand this. My son,not only verbalized his thought appropriately ,he behaved in a manner that is typical of a teenage boy..he lied to get what he wanted. While it may not be right, in our world it is monumental. He was trying to manipulate me, and laughed while doing it. I laughed with him....and within a five minute span, we shared a special moment together.

How did this all turn out? I waited a few minutes, and gave him a very small amount of juice...and guess what? He spit it out...he is a work in progress, and I love him to pieces.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

LIght It Up Blue!

Be sure to wear some blue today in honor of all families affected by autism! Have a great day!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Dying Is Not An Option

Parenting is not an easy job, but it is perhaps the most rewarding of any job out there. We teach our children right from wrong, feed them, nurture them, and prepare them for their own journey through life. Above all else, we love them unconditionally. We love them with every fiber of our being. They become the driving force behind all that we do.

Parents of children with special needs have a few extra responsibilities. They are immersed in numerous therapy sessions, have a never-ending schedule of meetings with schools, doctors and therapists, and they may have to work a bit harder when teaching children basic life skills. For me, while these things are all part of my daily life, worrying has also become a huge part of my life as a parent. All parents worry. We worry about our children and their development, their manners, their overall behavior. We worry about them making friends, doing homework, and getting into a good college. One of our greatest concerns is their safety. Every parent worries about this. We want to guide our kids through life and ensure their safety and well-being as long as we possibly can. This is a normal desire of a parent.

In this world, there is a natural order . Children typically grow and watch their parents grow old and eventually pass on. There are certainly unfortunate incidences when this order changes, and a parent may lose a child. This is every parents' nightmare, something no one wants to happen. It can only be described as an unimaginable heartbreak,one from which many parents never recover.

As a parent of a child with special needs, I worry about all of the above and then some. One of my greatest fears is that when I pass away, my son will not be cared for properly. I will no longer be there to make everything okay. I will not be able to oversee his daily life, help when needed, organize necessary things. I think of this often, and think of how he will feel and miss my husband and I when we are no longer here. Will he understand why we are not with him? When I find my self thinking about this, I think of the alternative. Will I possibly be able to live long enough to see my son live his life and pass on? To make sure that I am available to him throughout his entire life and see that he is taken care of properly and eventually laid to rest in the most beautiful way? Could I ever even endure such a thing? How would I ever be able to part with him and lose my child? I don't know that I could ever possibly endure that kind of pain, and so I try to push these thoughts out of my mind.If I don't,I find myself in tears. Yet, they are real worries, and eventually one of them will become a reality.

If I had to choose, of course, I would choose to pass first. However, as I see it, it is a lose- lose situation. So, we prepare as best we can to ensure that he will have all that he needs when we are no longer here. We prepare so that he will be provided for, and have a happy place and family to live with. Yet in the back of our minds, we wonder if anyone else will ever have the patience and love for our son that we do, and then the constant worry creeps back in. It is a non-stop, nagging worry that is wrapped in heartache no matter how you look at it. My son is fortunate. He has three brothers who love him. They will help ensure that he lives a great life. Yet, they will have lives and families of their own. It is a very complicated situation, and one that requires much thought and planning. I sometimes find myself wondering why a parent would be faced with such a predicament? Yet, my wondering provides no answers, only more questions.

It would seem that dying ,while inevitable, is not an option for the special needs parent,but of course, that is not a realistic notion. We will eventually have to leave all of our children, and after losing my own parents, that thought frightens me to no end. So what can we do? We have to look to the future, ask questions,and make plans. I also does not matter what or who you believe in, as long as you believe in something that gives you the strength to deal with these realities and make the proper decisions for your child. Sometimes faith is all we have, and it helps sustain us when we are faced with trials in our lives. I continue to have faith and hope that we are fortunate enough to be here for a very long time, because for now,death is not an option.

Friday, March 14, 2014


There has been quite a bit of controversy over the past few years about vaccinations and autism. It had widely been believed for a while that the MMR(measles,mumps,rubella) vaccine was a possible cause for the condition. However, more recent studies have provided evidence stating that this is not true. As parents, we take in all of this information ,process it, and try to make the best decisions we can for our families.

I believe that it is important to vaccinate children. Many lives have been and will continue to be saved because of this practice. However, I do take issue with the number of vaccines that we are giving our children at each visit. Some babies and toddlers may receive 3-4 vaccines at a single office visit, and some of these may be combination vaccines,meaning they contain more than one vaccine per dose.

After we found out that my son Mikey was on the spectrum, we made a decision to hold off on the MMR for our two younger children. My third child had already received one MMR prior to this, so we decided to hold off on the second until he reached school-age. We held off on both MMR vaccines in my youngest until he reached school age as well. We did this because at the time, there was still a great deal of uncertainty surrounding the vaccine. While thimerosal was said to be taken out of this particular vaccine after 1999, my trust level in the pharmaceutical companies was not high. We felt that we would wait to see if our children developed at an age-appropriate pace, and then if all was well, we would go ahead and give them the MMR. As for all of the other immunizations that they needed, we simply spaced them out. If a check-up visit required for example, a DTaP,oral polio, HIB or Varivax vaccine, we would allow the two most important, then stop in a month or so later for one more, then again later for the last. We never felt comfortable injecting the kids with so many at once. We were never pressured by our pediatrician to do everything at once. He understood our concerns, and while he encouraged vaccinations, he was okay with waiting a few weeks to receive all that was needed.

This is what worked for our family. I am not here to tell you that you should or should not vaccinate your child. I am neither a doctor nor a scientist,rather I am an educated,concerned parent. Every child is different and has different health concerns. What I will suggest,is that you discuss all concerns with your doctor. Evaluate the information you are given, then make an educated decision. This is especially true of flu vaccines, some of which still contain thimerosal. Ask your doctor the questions you want answered. There are no ridiculous questions when it comes to the health and welfare of your child. If your doctor makes you feel otherwise, then perhaps finding a new one who understands your concerns might be an appropriate action.

We all want to keep our kids healthy. Just remember, always follow your instincts, ask the important questions, then make the important decisions. No-one, including myself, should be making the decisions for your child. That is best left to you and your pediatrician. Stay informed and stay healthy!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Beauty of Autism

Beauty and autism? Yes! We are always hearing about the trials, the difficulties, and the ugly episodes that are all a part of this disability, but I am here to tell you that it has a beautiful side as well. So beautiful, in fact, that it warms my heart and makes me feel blessed.It is a beauty that is so pure and innocent that nothing can compare, except perhaps that of a newborn child.

As a mother of four children, my heart is full. Like most parents,I love my children unconditionally. Each one of them brings something special and unique to our lives and our home. They are funny,witty, talented, and loving. They are also difficult, moody, stubborn and tough. However, we love them for all that they are, and enjoy watching them learn,grow and become themselves.

My children are all boys, and they are growing up too quickly. As they grow, they reach a stage where a kiss or hug from you in public is no longer allowed. They talk back at times, may not always be as respectful as we would like, and do not always heed our advice.It is all part of life's journey. While we do our best to teach them right from wrong, and guide them in the right direction, at some point they need to figure things out for themselves. While doing this, they may not be the most loving creatures on the planet.

My son Mikey, at 14 years of age, looks like a typical teenager,yet he is anything but that. It is not what he is incapable of doing that makes him different, but rather what he is capable of. This boy is innocence at its best. He is kind-hearted,loving, pure and beautiful. I am not referring to his appearance, which,by the way is also beautiful, but rather what is inside. He possesses such a sweet spirit that touches everyone he meets. How many teens do you know, especially boys, that will gladly accompany their parents anywhere? Hold hands with them in public? Happily accept a kiss on the cheek from them without a care in the world about who else is watching? Hug them so tightly that they cannot catch their breath? My beautiful son does all of these things.

While we may not be on the easiest of journeys, we never fail to see the beauty each day. We are greeted with sparkling bright blue eyes and a smile that can light up a room each morning. We retire each night to warm hugs,snuggles,tired breath,and sleepy eyes. We listen to sweet little songs hummed softly(and not so softly) throughout the night.We listen and our hearts swell, not only with pride but with love. There is such an unbreakable bond,a trust that will never go away. It is truly a thing of beauty,this love between us as parents, and our child. It is something that no matter what words I use, I still would never be able to convey these feelings as eloquently as I would like.

Yes, there is beauty in autism. It comes in the warmth of a hug, the sweetness of a kiss, the trust of a child, the innocence of a love so pure and comes in the heart of my son.