Monday, January 14, 2013

Now What?

  Autism.So now we had an official title for our problem. I remember leaving the neurologist's office in a state of both anger and disbelief. It amazed me how a doctor could come to this conclusion after spending only about 30 minutes with us.
   As we pulled up to our house , I knew that as soon as we entered , the questions from family members would begin. How was I supposed to answer anyone else's questions when so many of my own  had
not yet been answered. I took a deep breath, and opened the car door.
   "Well, what happened? What did the doctor say? Is everything okay? He's fine, right?" I found myself responding, with a trembling voice, that we really don't know yet, and I really didn't want to talk about it. I
went in , sat in the living room, looked at my three boys, and the tears just came. I excused myself, and went up to my bedroom,locked the door and just cried and cried for about 20 minutes. Then as fast as I started, I  stopped. I told myself, that we had only received one doctor's opinion. We needed another opinion. I would go ahead and get all of the blood tests, but I was definitely going to see another neurologist. I wiped away the tears, and pulled myself together. I had three children to take care of, and was not about to let them see me break down.
   By the time I went back downstairs, it was only Mike and the kids who were home. I was relieved that I didn't have to get back into the hot seat and answer another fifty questions. For the rest of the evening, as we played with the boys and had dinner, Mike and I just kept looking at each other as if to say "what the hell is going on? How did all of this happen? Where do we go from here?"
  After a long, emotionally draining day, we put the kids to sleep, and finally spoke about what had happened. Now, most people who know me know that I can be stubborn at times. I am my own person, and have never really followed anyone else's lead. I make my own decisions, and go with what I believe is right for me, and in this case my family. This situation would be no different. I would call the pediatrician in the morning, make an appointment for the blood tests, and find another neurologist, who I hoped, would give me a very different opinion.
   By 9:30 the next morning ,I had appointments for the blood work as well as with a new neurologist. This time, we would be seeing the head of children's neurology at LIJ Children's Hospital. Another week would go by before we had our second opinion. In the meantime, I just went about life as usual, with the only difference being that I had an ache in my heart that I had never, ever experienced before.

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